The Energy Challenge: How to Identify Your ‘Energy Vampires’ and ‘Chaotic Friends’

This is Day 4 of the 6-Day Energy Challenge. To start at the beginning, click here.

I once had a friend who completely sapped me. When we’d meet for dinner, she would complain nonstop — about the food, her boyfriend, the boss she couldn’t stand. Once the check came, she’d ask how I was doing, barely listen, and then gather her things to leave. Afterward, I felt like a husk.

We’ve all had relationships that felt draining and ones that lifted us up, said Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.” And we’re often so accustomed to the roles we play that we don’t reflect on how these relationships make us feel, she said.

But we should. Research suggests that relationships have a considerable positive effect on our health. Strong friendships can lower our blood pressure, protect against depression and help us live longer, while those that we’re ambivalent about can raise our blood pressure and cause anxiety. (This could include the “chaotic friend,” Tawwab said, who is always enmeshed in some sort of drama.)

Today we’re going to identify our “energy vampires,” as well as the friends who restore us. We even sought some advice from Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King, who have been best friends for around 47 years.

Conduct a friendship audit.

Make a list of your closest friends. Then, using the following prompts from Tawwab, take notes about the energy your friends supply:

• Who do you look forward to spending time with?

• Who makes you feel uplifted and understood?

• Who, if anyone, do you consistently put off seeing or dread responding to?

• Who often makes you feel so irritated, keyed up or fatigued that you have to recover after seeing them?

• Who makes you regularly zone out during conversations because they aren’t involving you?

If the last three questions bring to mind a specific friend, that person may be an energy vampire.

Take stock of your findings.

If you’ve discovered a few energy vampires — not a clinical term, by the way — you’ll need to determine whether or not those friendships are worth keeping, said Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University and the author of “Love Every Day.”

Be honest about what you’re getting out of the friendship, Dr. Solomon said. She recommended asking yourself: What first drew me to this person? And what keeps me coming back?

“It may be that you actually love to be drama-adjacent,” Dr. Solomon said. “Or maybe there are hidden benefits to you of this friendship, like access to other people or opportunities.”

In some cases, you may decide that the friendship is not worth continuing. When I spoke with Winfrey and King about their friendship, Winfrey had this advice: “If you are around anybody that makes you feel less than 100 percent yourself, if you’re around anybody that makes you feel like you can’t shine or say whatever you want to say and doesn’t want the best for you, you are with the wrong friend.” (They had too much to say to fit here, so I wrote another column about it.)

Explore ways to make draining friendships healthier.

Shift to an activity. Instead of “feeling trapped and helpless while somebody is going on and on,” propose an activity, such as going to an art museum, Dr. Solomon suggested. You can even invite another person along who can assist you in redirecting the conversation, she said.

Look for the positives. If you have a shared history, then focus on the benefits of it, such as the opportunity to reminisce, Dr. Solomon said. “If you’re in touch with your 19-year-old self when you’re with that friend, then tell yourself that their annoying habit is the price of admission that you pay for access to your own history, your own memories.”

Set boundaries. If the vampire is a co-worker or someone you see every day, try to limit contact, if possible. Maybe tell them you can only talk for 10 minutes, Tawwab said. If they’re a friend who always calls or texts with drama, you do not have to answer, she said; emotionally draining people “do not need an all-access pass to your life.”

Prioritize friends who energize you.

If you have friends on your list who do fill you up, plan some time with them. (And if you’re feeling like you don’t have friends who make you feel good, here are some ways to make new ones.)

The plans don’t need to be elaborate, Tawwab said. If you live nearby, just hang out. If you live in different places, schedule a phone date or a “watch party,” where you see a movie or TV show together.

Most important, make it a habit, Tawwab said. Put reminders on your calendar, as often as you’re able, to spend time with energizing friends — the ones that make you feel good all of the time, rather than some of the time.

Or, as Winfrey and King put it, the friends who are not just willing to ride in the limousine with you, but also willing to take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

On Friday, from 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. Eastern time, I’ll be answering your questions in real time. What were your favorite parts of the Challenge? What surprised you? What motivated you? You can ask questions in the comments section of our 6-Day Energy Challenge landing page.

Oprah and Gayle lift each other up.

Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King told us why their friendship is energizing, what they love about each other, and about the time that Winfrey showed up to visit King’s new baby sporting a T-shirt that said “Husbands come and go. Best friends stay forever.” (Which, King pointed out, turned out to be “pretty prophetic.”)

Check out the interview: Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King Discuss Their Friendship